Season 2002/2003
F OFF
Final Ode For Falcons
There have been many questions in the past
About "who is who" in the Falcons cast.
Keen followers of Falcons sport
Have trouble interpreting the match report:
Names of participants contained therein
Are cunningly disguised by a pseudonym.
So just in case you have got confused,
And the wrong person has been abused
Of matters little to do with sport
But told at length in a match report,
Enclosed below is the cast list
Of Falcons players, sober and pissed.
Goalkeeper:
RTRG - Ricardo The Recumbent Goalkeeper
This nickname may cause you to frown
But Mr Wilsden has a penchant for lying down.
When exposed Richard can look a lonely soul
As a forward advances on his goal:
Out he rushes, arms and legs like a puppet,
Will he stop them, or look a muppet?
Often, as a stopper, he can be effective:
If he is not - beware the invective!
We had to remind him, having heard the call
That there is no "F" in "hit the ball"!
And then there is that final sign
As recumbent he watches the ball cross the line.
Always affable in the bar,
A rapid traveller in his car.
In fact quite a devil behind the wheel,
This official driver of the Pope Mobile.
A nicer man you couldn't wish to meet
Even having failed, again, to keep a clean sheet!
Defender:
Mighty - Mike Kentfield
"Mighty" Mike Kentfield patrols our rear.
Under full power, this hairy warrior can instil fear.
His forward surges grind to a halt when
At the halfway line, he has to take on oxygen.
To leave the bar early would be a sin
For this pilot of a Reliant Robin.
Defender:
Robbo Robbie Robson our England man
Who plays with us whenever he can.
An active member of England's LX side
Which means he travels far and wide.
Always running and tackling with the odd miss hit,
Is it Judy who manages to keep him so fit?
Falcons match secretary has been his role,
Which is what he wants to pass to another soul.
Long balls from him we dare not report
'Cos we all know he prefers to keep it short!
In the 2002 fixture card his role is not evident,
It does not bother to mention our Club President.
Defender:
Hughbie - Hugh Bentley
Another LX member is Mr Hugh Bentley
Our master sweeper, reported as Hughbie.
His occasional appearances can be fun
When he is not abroad, or watching his son.
Appearances in the kitchen are very few:
More at home in the bar is our Hugh
Defender:
Blommers - Dave Blomley
At right half you will find Dave Blomley
Appearing by kind permission of Mrs B.
As a player, quite intent,
He represents our youth element.
Polite and conservative with his views
Which is more than can be said for his shoes!
Always prepared to take his car,
Always ready to enjoy a jar.
When it comes to staying late he doesn't get much slack
He is usually under orders to report back.
And another thing that is really sad
Is that I used to play in the "3s" with his Dad!
Midfield:
Sobes - Ian Sobey
Stopping, passing, dribbling: it is a fact
That Ian Sobey is a class act.
Going forward, he leaves defences in a state.
Tackling back: I am afraid you will have to wait!
Scoring opportunities - he creates the most,
But who is it that keeps moving the post?
Midfield:
Humph - Humphrey Battcock
A master of the tackle on the reverse stick,
And someone who can be pretty quick:
Humph, Humphrey Battcock is our man
Who will appear whenever he can.
In his absence, there have been a few
Left halves; in fact quite a motley crew.
Forward:
DC - David Cole
On the right we occasionally see
David Cole, in Falcons reports known as DC.
Frequently going direct without a map
Driving along under his cap.
As a doctor he is not afraid
To judge the shape of a (nude) barmaid.
Forward:
PC - Peter Curtis
Centre forward, inner or right wing?
The former is probably his preferred thing.
It was on the wing that he took a fall
When, against Bath, he headed the ball.
PC has his moments when he is really hot
And, from a narrow angle, can score with an outrageous shot.
In red he obviously feels a star
Judge for yourself by his "tarts car"!
Forward:
Henn/Henner - Tony Henman
Running with the ball is Henns forte;
Heaven help the half who gets in his way.
He will dribble round defenders again, and again,
Whilst in the middle we wait in vain.
Up and down the wing with the ball he goes.
Will he ever cross? Nobody knows.
It was against Bath, that was really funny,
When twice he threatened to centre: both a dummy.
Whilst in the middle we continued to slumber,
Their umpire had clearly got his number.
We all voted it "decision of the day"
When he got sent off for "intimidatory play"!
Forward:
JPAR/Paddy - Julian Patrick Arthur Roche
With JPAR, Paddy Roche at inside right
We ought to be a menacing sight.
At feeding Henn he is very deft
With a right pass, having twice feinted left.
But in the circle with an open goal
He's been known to fail to get it in the hole.
Midfield:
Doc - Ian Thompson
To stop the oppo running amok
We have recruited near vintage Doc.
He is a master of ball control,
And seems to prefer a roving role.
He strokes the ball around with consummate ease,
But seems very coy to display his knees.
Forward:
Gropes - Giles Roper
Giles Roper, Gropes, is someone we
Recruited as part of our youth policy.
Gropes knows how to put himself about,
His elbows can provoke a complaining shout.
Off the mark he is pretty quick,
And always buys a jug after a hat trick.
Utility:
Ellio/ST (Super Tanker) - John Elliot
Twenty-two slices from a tangerine!
That really seems very mean,
But in the side we have the man
If anyone can do it: John Elliot can.
With the turning circle of a Super Tanker,
Bet on him being late if you want a banker.
Always happy to stay and sup
He is the master of the wind up
He with Gropes raced Ricardo back from Woking club
And were in the lead until they overshot the pub.
Despite being a Scot, he can be a generous soul,
He even bought a jug for not scoring a goal!
Forward:
JAB (Jug Avoidance Bailey) - Nick Bailey
Scoring just two - Jug Avoidance - is a serious thing.
Scoring three and not buying: you deserve to swing!
Very adept at twiddling around, is our Nick,
And he has a killer flick.
A player who hasn't featured latterly
Since he got that noisy bump upon his knee.
Utlity:
OW (Old Waynflete - old boys of MCS) -
Mark Crompton Smith
OW on the team sheet is Mark Crompton Smith,
Whose language at times is pretty stiff.
Off the pitch he is a likeable soul
Who has still to find a regular role.
Against Bath his views were pretty blunt,
But it was the Winchester umpire he called a ....!
Forward:
JAR (Jug Avoidance Rogues) - Rogan
Meadows
If he scores two goals early in the day
You will find that he, from the circle, keeps well away.
JAR - Jug Avoidance Rogues is a lonely soul
As up and down the left he does patrol.
Rogan Meadows career could go into free fall
If he should ever receive the ball
The "odd half" he has been known to imbibe,
And for the Falcons he is the scribe.
Stories of home life, training and much more,
Very occasionally he might mention the score.
But at one particular skill he is very hot:
He is the master of the aerial shot.
Defender:
PJ - Peter Wilson
Only an occasional member of the fray
Is Peter Wilson, known as PJ.
To call him decrepit is a little unkind,
But there is ample evidence of him being colour blind.
On grass, he refuses to play the game
Because into it will sink his zimmer frame.
Organising the team - he has been a star
And always there, near, or far.
Riding in the Pope Mobile as a rule
Except to Swindon and back with no fuel!
(We haven't forgotten, have we Celia!)
Not playing quite as much as he would please,
If it is not his back, it is his knees.
He still has a keen eye for the ball
Just remember his Eastcote "leave it" call!
Umpire:
The Pope (Pope John - PJ) - Peter Wilson
Earlier I mentioned Ricardo behind the wheel
Of the official Pope Mobile.
This ensures we don't leave behind
That ancient who many know is going blind.
Whilst these comments may make him bristle,
The evidence is his performance on The Whistle.
An ever present and always keen,
To fully participate in the "apres" scene.
He likes his travel to be swift;
Which is why, with Richard, he gets a lift.
But his copybook he did mar
When, for Swindon, he borrowed Celia's car!
Bench
During the season there have been many games
That have featured other names:
Angers, Huggy, RC and RA
Are just some who joined the fray.
Friends of friends have appeared infrequently:
As well as Churchill, Mike Battcock, A N Other and Kylie.
As hosts we are a popular team
As we maintain a friendly scene:
As from the showers the oppo appear
We try to greet them with a beer.
One thing that really scores with every man
Is the Killer Chilli made by Jan.
And so another season has come to an end,
And into the doldrums of summer we descend.
Won 15, drawn 3, lost 9 is quite a feat,
Even if we rarely kept a clean sheet.
For 79, but 68 goals we did concede
But who really cares that we won the league.
Behind our success is a strict regime
Of regular training to keep us honed and keen.
But if it is in the gym that you are the star
You might not fit in 'cos we train in the bar:
Eight Bells and Cumnor Cricket Club play their part,
As do the Bear & Ragged Arse and the White Hart.
These are the training establishments that we know well,
And from there come the stories that we do tell.
If you want match facts then you will have to wait
That's not to be found in a Falcons Update.
But if you enjoy "real hockey" and like to sup
Then you could feature in a future OH F Up.
(Oxford Hawks
Falcons Update)
And there is something else you might like to hear;
Next season we will be featuring the Club Player Of The Year.
Our man was given this prestigious award
Not for being a defender, or a forward.
In fact he got it for not hitting a ball:
Player Of The Year for not playing at all!
You may be wondering what sort of club
Gives “Player Of The Year” to one who wasn’t even a sub?
Such a club are The Hawks
And the award was made for outstanding works
In organising Falcons teams for every game.
Without him it simply wouldn’t have been the same
Umpiring us, home and away.
Yes, it is our man – it is PJ!
True Falcons style:
Player Of The Year for not playing!