Rogan’s Erection: story starts Saturday 19^th January 2001

Match Day Saturday 19th January

An unexpected, but welcome, surprise. We have a match. But who against? No-one seems too sure, no-one seems to care. What is important is that we have a game.

What time is the game? Well, the 2's finish at 16:00 but, apparently, we do not start until 16:30. This is undoubtedly down to the fact that the game was arranged at short notice (Tuesday) and we need to allow that extra bit of time for our finely tuned Falcons to get their limbs moving having vegetated for the last two weeks.

Of course, as keen readers will know well, not all Falcons allow the grass to grow under their feet (or arse!) when there is no hockey. I mean, apart from umpiring the 3's and playing for Adastral there is that long awaited event taking place this week for yours truly.

"What can this be" I hear you ask. What is he on about now?

It is my erection. I am due to have one this week.

And it is going to happen at the bottom of my garden - even though it is winter.

It is going to take three days to get it up and is supposed to stay up for getting on for 25:

years that is, not seconds or minutes!

Yes, it is a big event and has been keenly anticipated by both myself and my wife for a number of months now. It has been a long time in the planning: we prepared for it way back in August, just after the field at the back had been harvested. At that time we laid the base of concrete, after all an eleven foot high erection needs a firm base. But that was only the start. Next thing was I had to get planning permission for it.

Why?

The Vale Of White Horse decree that you may not have an erection adjacent to a public footpath without planning permission. And the fact is that there is one at the bottom of the garden (footpath, not erection). But I was now planning one (Erection, not footpath). So, at the end of August we applied for permission for one - an erection - a fifteen footer!

And the neighbours objected! Not through loss of light, not to loss of amenity, it wasn't near their boundary, but to the fact that it would spoil their view! Given where I planned to put it I thought they would have a lovely view, but there you go, not every one has the same appreciation of the finer things in life.

So, scale drawings were submitted, neighbours written to, plans viewed and letters of objection written. Matters were considered by The Vale who ruled that neighbours have no right to a view over my property, so if I wished to have an erection at the bottom of my garden they didn't have to view it if they didn't want to. On the other hand, if I wanted to position my erection a metre away from my boundary and next to the public footpath, I could.

Thus it was that a team of four men arrived on Wednesday to get it up. There were five on Thursday, and six on Friday. By Saturday all that was left was for the electricians to come and connect it up so that I can illuminate it.

Isn't it exciting!

But then I had to go and play hockey.

It was good to observe from the bar Blommers and Robbie warming up along with a multitude of opposition. 16:20, perhaps we should drink up and see about wandering over to the pitch to discover whom the Oppo are and who else is making up our side. PJ is there along with ten others. PJ can't remember who is missing, but it is generally agreed that it is probably Ellio 'cos it is not five minutes past the start time so we wouldn't reckon on seeing him yet.

And we were right. NPV has returned from his sabbatical in Oz duly fired up for a return to hockey and with the type of sporting ambition engendered by Australians. As a result he is playing for league leaders 3A's and we have Stormin Norman fresh from his game for Trojans this morning. Rest of the rabble are:

Stormin

Mighty Robbo

Blommers Ellio Humph

Henners GTC PC Angers JAR

Opposition, who have now been warming up for some time whilst they awaited my getting planning permission, are a league outfit and look keen, smart and useful - but who are they? And so they prove as the game eventually gets under way. For first ten minutes they are moving the ball around purposefully and looking menacing. However, the game is interrupted at this point by the (elderly) umpire who missed our goal last time out. This time his failing eyesight is having difficulty distinguishing the difference between one team in blue and the other in red. So we change to white, and it works. We take charge.

What more can I say? Everyone enjoyed a few jugs of Brains (brewed in Cardiff in case you missed it last time) and plates of killer chilli. The opposition were magnanimous in defeat, even if we were rather flattered by the score. Fact was we converted, they didn't. Henners put away a screamer, GTC scored a good individual effort, PC poached one, JAR squeezed one in. (Best re-phrase that or he'll be off about his erection again!). Oh, and NPV returned with a clean sheet to join us on the Brains and to ensure a late arrival home, not least because Mare was keeping him company which guarantees a late departure.

Back home my erection could no longer be seen in the darkness so I had supper and went the TWH to complete the warm down and commence preparations for next weekend when we have another big one - match that is. It is the LX on Sunday, part of their preparations for their trip to Malaysia and the World Cup.

Who will fill the gap left in the Falcons by the defection to the LX by Robbo and Henners?

Will Henners continue to run the oppo ragged?

Will Mare resurface?

Will the elderly one give up umpiring and return to the pitch?

Will NPV continue in league hockey?

Will my erection stay up with gales forecast?

Who were we playing?

All these, and others, may or may not be answered in the weeks ahead.

Who cares.